Adventures In Prudence
by nekk'd
Summary: Twas months before Ino's wedding, and all through Konoha, not a kunoichi was dateless, except for Sakura. Her friends set her up with a guy with great care, in hopes that her sex- er, love life might not be so bare. Neji/Saku, M for language and citrus
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** _My first Naruto multi-chapter! I hope you all like it. ^-^ Review if you like. I'll just be happy if someone enjoys it._

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><p>"We have <em>got<em> to start doing this more often," Ino drawled over her drink, gesturing at Ten Ten for no particular reason and then glaring at everyone else. "You're all so busy having lives outside of mine. Stop being so goddamn selfish."

Sakura waved a passive hand. "You know, Bridezilla, while you're running around like a chicken with your head cut off causing mass chaos, I'm sitting up there with Naruto-"

"Making the world a better place?" Ten Ten interjected innocently, laughing out loud when Sakura glared and let her chin fall to the table. She fondled Hinata's shoulder and pouted.

"Neh, Hinata. How do you put up with that idiot in your free time, huh? For the better part of my life I had to do it, nearly lost my marbles, and now live life on the edge acting as an advisor and instructor…but you're the real hero, here…" Sakura paused, stuck her tightened lips out and got in her blue haired friends face. "You like…_conceived children_ with him."

Hinata's laughter tinkled a little too delicately for the darkened bar setting. "We all have different levels of patience. But I probably have a little different taste than you do. Which just means there's more of your type left for you, right?"

"Since when did you get so darn smarty pants-pants, _Hina-chin_," Ino slurred, clearly ignoring her weight index. "And don't use sarcasm so lightly. You'll hurt Saku-chin's feelings…"

Hinata's eyes widened and she stuttered an unsure apology while Sakura narrowed her eyes. "The hell's that supposed to mean, Ino-ebriate?"

Ino pouted innocently and muttered, "I mean, you're still single. To imply that you'd have your choice of male specimen makes it look like none of those excess men want you."

Sakura's eyebrow twitched. "Just because you're getting married does NOT mean you can now advise me in the ways of obtaining a guy. You practically got engaged by accident, moron."

Ino stood up and slammed her palms to the table, Ten Ten pretty much falling out of her seat with laughter. "SHINO LOVES ME."

"How can you even tell? He hardly ever takes those goddamn sunglasses off or speaks…"

"If you even _knew_ how good the sex is…"

Sakura smirked, coy with laughter. "Ohohoho~ nothing like a romantic evening…fire light…rose petals on the bed…bugs flying around…"

Ino started sniffling and spluttered pitifully, "THAT'S JUST AN ASSUMPTION. YOU DON'T KNOW HIM LIKE I DO."

Hinata finally recovered from her blushing to add, "Shino is an excellent friend. I'm very glad you two get along so well, especially with your wedding coming up so soon…"

"Hinata is the only one who loves me~" Ino blubbered, Hinata's face embraced by her chest and hair soaking up her tears. "Maybe I should make _her_ my maid of honor instead…"

"Oi, I've already booked the bachelorette party, the rehearsal dinner reservations…"

"Sakura got the short end of the stick being best friends with you," Ten Ten said through laughter induced tears. "Ugh. I keep forgetting to take Kiba's tuxedo measurements…"

"Yeah, tell me how that goes," Ino grunted, stealing Sakura's drink and ignoring her angry protests. "There's probably an entire process that goes with that escapade. First, you have to make sure he's bathed recently."

Hinata came to his defense with, "Kiba-kun is just easily sidetracked and -"

"See, I don't mind giving him a bath," Ten Ten said bluntly, "It's the suit he won't have. He keeps telling me to tell you he's coming in jeans and a t-shirt."

Ino grimaced. "He's the best man and I hate him. He's showing up in a tux or he's leaving in a body bag."

"That's the spirit," Sakura muttered, shielding her new drink from Ino. "Speaking of fittings, are we still on for next weekend? You're not gonna embarrass us by having another mental breakdown, right?"

"This is a sensitive time for me, and you of all people should understand that sometimes I'm just not good at holding in my feelings. Those cake designs were beautiful, and they deserved all the emotion I could show them."

"Ino, they were in a book. You cried over cake designs. In a book." Hinata giggled at the glare Ten Ten received.

"You know what might make me cry even harder is seeing my best friend there without a date," Ino recovered, bringing the attention back to Sakura.

"You can have mine," Ten Ten joked. "You guys _are_ the right hand man and woman."

"Pass," Sakura deadpanned, not amused. Everyone nearly spit their drinks and laughed a little.

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><p>"You know, Hinata," Sakura started, turning to her, "We all noticed you've been playing it safe the last couple weeks we've done this…"<p>

"You can just tell us when you guys are trying to get pregnant again," Ten Ten pouted, giggling at Hinata's blush of embarrassment. "Unless you've already got another one in the oven…"

"N-Not yet, but, I figure it's better to be safe," she said weakly, Sakura throwing an arm around her shoulder. Ten Ten would've done the same, but she was currently hauling a snoring Ino over her back.

"You've already got twin boys. Are you hoping for a girl this time?"

Hinata didn't say anything, but her smile was soft and her nod was noticeable enough. They were all secretly fond of how fond Hinata was of carrying babies. It gave them the kind of inside look at what a mother was supposed to be like. She was picture perfect. Her kids, even for being boys and two years old were-

"HINATA," came the tortured scream of her husband, yellow head peeking out from the front door just as they'd brought her to the gate of the house. He was soon dragged back in by two shadowy figures, laughing with mirth and all the charm of Satan's underling's. "NO. NO. STAY BACK. LET ME GO…"

Sakura and Ten Ten sweat dropped and looked at each other with the same word in mind: heathens.

"It's Naruto's fault they're so hellish," Sakura muttered, Hinata waving back at them as they entered the house. "He swears and acts like a moron in front of them, it's only natural they'd cling onto that. Poor Hinata."

"Well, she does want more of them," Ten Ten sighed. "And if she liked Naruto while he was an idiot, it's only natural she'd love her kids for the same reasons."

"Ten Ten perv~" Ino gurgled, wriggling over her back. "Touching my butt while I'm unconscious…"

"Go back to sleep, moron. Be grateful when someone carries you."

Shino was waiting to take her off their hands when they arrived at her house. He didn't say anything, but both of them smiled at the care he took carrying her into the house. They made fun of her and the way she was crazy about him, but it wasn't hard to see why when he did things like that. And for someone who loved talking as much as Ino, having someone who would listen to just about anything was a pretty good deal.

"Makes me almost wish Kiba'd hurry up and ask me to marry him," Ten Ten mused, she and Sakura trudging up the road. They passed a couple people they knew along the way and waved cheerfully. "Almost, anyway."

"It almost makes me wish I had someone else around so it would be easier to relate to you crazies," Sakura said with light hearted joking. "I'm not really lonely, but there's nothing like planning a wedding to show you what you're missing out on."

"Have you considered anyone to take as a date?" Ten Ten pried. Sakura knew she could probably set her up with someone if she said no, since Ten Ten knew just about everyone for some reason or another. The thing was, Sakura wasn't really sure she wanted to deal with having to entertain someone she didn't know with the added stress of being the maid of honor. Her date would probably do a lot of sitting around waiting for her to be done tending to Ino and crew. It didn't sound fun. Even to her.

"You know, I don't think I'm going to go with anyone," she finally said carefully. Ten Ten was clearly not convinced that was a good idea.

"I'm not gonna give you the generic friend talk about how you deserve to be happy blah blah blah because you should already know that," the brunette started. "But I'll tell you right now, your vagina doesn't have a brain. All it knows is that it's getting dried up, and you've probably got dust and stuff collecting up there, and someday when you finally decide to do it, something's just gonna fall out-"

"ENOUGH IMAGERY," Sakura shouted, punching her shoulder. "Geez. You realize it's not medically possible to-"

"The point is," Ten Ten interrupted, poking Sakura between the eyes, "you are an extremely classy lady compared to us, and the last chance I have to have some fun setting someone up. Let me work for you. I've got some good ones in mind! Seriously."

Sakura hesitated, sighed and looked away. "Alright. What've you got for me."

Ten Ten smirked. "That depends. Are you looking for a challenge, or do you want something easy and natural? Or do you want," she paused, seemed to think of something completely eye-wideningly perfect, and whispered coyly, "_the wild card_?"

"Easy," Sakura deadpanned for the second time that evening, Ten Ten falling over in the street. "I don't have time for an asshole or someone who can't understand what I'm going through right now. I _am_ extremely busy." She thought for a moment, then narrowed her eyes and pointed at her boisterous friend. "And I'm not guaranteeing any of your friends sex. I don't know what you consider 'natural' in your relationships, but Kiba has the excuse of going into heat. I'll take a normal, healthy, conversationally adept human being, thank you."

"I was hoping you'd say that," Ten Ten said wickedly, eyes alight. "I've known you long enough to know what kind of challenge you could handle."

"I DON'T WANT A GODDAMN CHALLENGE," Sakura screeched, Ten Ten ignoring the fangs she'd developed and sparkling with heroic delusions. "GIVE ME SOMEONE NORMAL."

"Then it's settled," Ten Ten said cheerfully. "I've been looking for someone who could go with Neji. You guys will be perfect."

Sakura froze, mind scratching her thoughts out like nails on a chalk board. "…Neji?"

"Yep. He's about the same as you. He isn't in the wedding party, but he grumbles every time I mention setting him up. He's not too demanding. And he can carry on a conversation. Which is what you wanted, right?" she asked pointedly, Sakura growing smaller under her finger.

Neji would indeed probably work as a friendly date to a wedding. On the surface, this sounded like a good setup. But Sakura had been on too many episodes of The Ten Ten Show to be fooled by surface appearances. Take Hinata's wedding, for example. She had done a reasonable amount of planning for that as well, and had agreed to let Ten Ten set her up. The thing about that though, was that when Ten Ten set you up, she expected you to stick it out. For life. Being a natural competitor, Sakura knew she couldn't stand losing. Even if it wasn't even losing. Sakura failing at a relationship _she'd_ conceived was a loss in_ her_ bracket, and that was unacceptable. If she was going on a "date" with Neji, chances were Ten Ten would do everything in her power to make sure he felt obligated to propose to her by the time Ino was on her honeymoon. And Neji was, if anything, normal. He had a future. The scars of being flogged into a relationship with Ten Ten's friend would scar him for life.

Sakura looked into her friends scary brown eyes. "I…I guess…that's fine…"

It was probably the wishy-washiest she'd sounded for months, and it was enough for Ten Ten to whip the dogs and holler 'mush'. Sakura hoped that, for once, being wishy-washy wouldn't end up equaling torture and regret.

_Neji, huh…_

She trudged through her front door and fell over the couch, snoring softly into the blanket she'd left there from movie night a couple days ago.

_I suppose this is something I can handle._

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><p>If there's any mistakes you caught, please inform me. I'm still trying to re-familiarize with the Naruto series. Hope you liked it, though. :)<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** _Thank you guys for the reviews! I'm glad you like it so far._

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><p>Two days later, on an equally casual encounter involving Ino lamenting over her curvy figure with a sympathetic Hinata over some lemonade in the park after joint team training, the plan (code name not thought up yet) was confirmed to be a go. Ten Ten ran up to them in her work out clothes, freshly sweaty and glowing with positivity.<p>

"She took the bait," she confirmed, gleefully giving Ino and Hinata a thumbs up. "My plan is fool proof."

"_Our_ plan, you mean," Ino corrected flatly, Hinata smiling knowingly. "And there's no guarantee she won't screw this up."

"I thought that was what we _wanted_," Ten Ten said, grinning with dirty meaning. Ino gave her a disgusted look.

"Well, if that comes with what we're buying into, I won't deny her a nice 'screw up', but-"

"As if that's up to you," Ten Ten pointed out, ignoring the vein rising out over Ino's eyebrow.

"I'm glad you thought of setting her up with Neji nii-san," Hinata said hesitantly, trying to maybe calm Ino a bit.

"Well, to be honest, Lee's been hinting that I should somehow get him the in with her for this wedding thing, but Sakura's already got enough on her plate," Ten Ten sighed. Ino nodded.

"You're damn right. She's already slacking enough. I don't need your weird eyebrow guy creating distractions for my slave."

"Hush, you," Ten Ten snapped. "Lee's been dead set on Sakura forever now. It's enough I've gotta break the news to him that I've set her up with Neji. I don't need your dragon breath down my back reminding me he's lucky he even got an invite."

"His outfit clashes with the theme," Ino said with no sympathy whatsoever. "Make sure he comes in a tux too."

Ten Ten rolled her eyes. "Never mind you've known each other since we were like, twelve." Ino shrugged with indifference. Hinata giggled at their banter, waiting patiently for her turn to contribute to the conversation.

"I haven't had a chance to speak with Tsunade-sama, but do you know when he returns from his mission?"

Ten Ten deflated. "Coincidentally, tomorrow. Sakura had an open mind, but I was kind of putting the tell-Neji-about-his-date part off until the actual wedding..."

"NONSENSE," Ino said stoutly, twirling her hair and batting her pretty lashes. "I _insist_ he come with her to the rehearsal dinner."

"I feel like Sakura already booked the reservations and you've kinda gotta decide on a set number of guests soon," Ten Ten pointed out dryly, sweating a little. Hinata tilted her head.

"I thought we were trying to get them together as much as possible?"

Ten Ten waved her hands lightly and jostled her speech, "I know, I know, I just would rather they get to know each other in a less…uh…stress inducing environment for Sakura. Like, an actual date. Just the two of them."

"What's so stressful about my wedding?" Ino inquired, leaning forward with dagger sharp eyes. "Aren't you in rapturous joy that my happiness is finally coming full circle?"

"_Hooray_. Now, back from whence you came, demon," Ten Ten muttered, pushing her face away. Hinata patted Ino's head to distract her from killing her.

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><p>"I'd like to know where Yushin-kun learned that word, <em>Naruto<em>," Sakura hissed, pinching his ear with two fingers and ignoring his childish howling. "I warned you, _did I not_, that if you ever fathered kids, I would not be the one to babysit them-"

"S-Sakura-chan, this is different," the blonde whined, tears streaming down his face while his two sons laughed at him and clung to Sakura's legs. "It's not fair if you're a teacher-"

"_I wasn't finished talking_," she said scarily. "Your kids would be angels if it weren't for you and your shit influence. You're supposed to be the sixth friggin' Hokage. Grow up. I refuse to babysit hooligans."

"That's cold, Sakura-chan," he sobbed, her flinging him away and leaning down with beaming enthusiasm to embrace her god-children.

"Suisei-kun and Yushin-kun are perfect little boys for Saku-oba~" she cooed, kissing them each on the cheek. "But from now on they'll have perfect manners, _won't they_?"

The twins quivered before running over to their father, still struggling to stand up from his beat down. Sakura loomed over them, fist raised and eyes narrowed.

"Like I'd let Hinata's kids grow up to be total baka's like their dad. Now hurry and scram to your meeting or I'll be late."

Naruto gathered the two in his arms and sighed. "Yeah, yeah, I'll give them to Hinata and tell her you said hi." They walked out the door of the day care and he turned to her before she could go the other way. "Hinata says things are going alright for Ino's wedding, but I hafta imagine it's hard when you've got your own things to worry about."

"It's just D rank missions so far anyway," Sakura said indifferently, waving behind her as she walked off towards the training grounds. "I'm still waiting for someone to ask us to track down a cat." Naruto chuckled and headed in the direction of his home.

She let her head droop a little, remembering, if not for the sake of admitting she was too tired to resist, the times with Sasuke. Nothing unusual or threateningly emotional, but it got annoying when she had life to focus on. Five years ago he'd been executed. Though there _were_ days she went without thinking about him (extremely busy days at the hospital, mostly), she couldn't help wondering what part of her still wanted to hold onto those memories. They didn't help her get through the day. They were more like a crutch to disguise the fact that, by the time he'd been brought back, she'd grown numb. She had barely been able to watch; after all they'd gone through and everything Naruto had worked for, he hadn't been salvageable. Four months he'd sat in prison, wilting under the weight of hatred and things she'd come to learn she would never understand.

The knife never stopped cutting. The blade just got duller…

"Yo."

_Speaking of old times…_

"Kakashi-sensei," she said fondly, turning to look up at the white haired goon lounging comfortably on a roof. "I was just thinking about you."

"Mm. Are you on the way to see your team?"

She sighed and let him fall into step with her when he came down. "Yes. And unlike you, I intend to make punctuality a habit." She laughed a little, then adopted a crooked smile. "I'm actually a little surprised by the arrangement of personalities in my team…" There was a pause, and she got noticeably more depressed. "Perhaps you've actually heard the rumors about the one…everyone else is asking about it…"

"They're calling her Konoha's Creeping Vine, I believe," Kakashi said, poking the air. "Er, maybe it was Konoha's Thorn…"

"Why does the village always have to stake claim for its psycho's," Sakura muttered. "And of _course_ I get stuck with the crazy one."

Kakashi chuckled through his mask. "Because we trust you to straighten her out into a flower."

Sakura blushed wildly. Praise from her teacher still had the same punch as it had before she'd become a jounin. And, if she was going to be completely honest, he hadn't aged much this last five or six years. If she had been anyone but his former student she'd be crazy enough to find him attractive.

"Thanks. Did you get your invite to Ino's wedding yet?"

He nodded. "I disappointed Gai. He thought he would get his before me."

Sakura laughed and shook her head, saying, "You guys will probably be going at it when you're crazy and old and I'm going to have to make sure you don't destroy the village."

"You've got enough to handle already," he said, sweat dropping. "I'm hoping for a peaceful retirement anyway. Don't spoil my dreams for me when they're already so far away…"

"By then I might have more time on my hands, eh?" she joked. "I'll need something to do when I'm your age." He sighed.

"I may not be as young as I used to be but I'm not an old man. And you should take more time to just enjoy life," he advised, her not exactly buying it.

"That's why you're always late for everything…"

"Besides," he continued, ignoring her jab, "you plan on having a family, don't you? It would be a shame to have your violent, motherly child rearing skills go to waste. Preferably while I'm still alive…"

She wasn't sure if it was more appropriate to blush or punch him, so she tried a combination and ended up too flustered to get him before he escaped.

"WHAT THE HELL'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

He shrugged and waved before turning and heading back in the direction they'd just come. "I'll see you around, Sakura."

_Why the hell do I have to get lectured about that stuff from that guy…_

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><p>"WE ARE LOSING, NEJI," Gai screamed in agony, hands twitching with remorse. "LADY HINATA AND NARUTO ALREADY HAVE TWO. <em>TWO<em>. THEY GOT TWO IN ONE TRY. THAT'S TWO WINS FOR KAKASHI. HE'S ALREADY WINNING AND I CAN'T EVEN CONFIRM SAI-KUN WILL EVER BE INTERESTED IN SOWING THE SEEDS OF YOUTH WITH A WOMAN-"

"Don't just assume someone's gay," Shikamaru sighed, their party more or less trudging back to the village now that someone'd blown the dam of peace and brought up the topic of kids. He glanced over at Neji, who didn't seem bothered by the words being screamed in his ear.

_He's probably used to it by now, poor guy…_

"LEE WILL BE FRUITFUL WHEN HE FINDS A WOMAN WORTHY," Gai said with equal enthusiasm, then darkening his words considerably, he whispered to Neji, "You, on the other hand, are a complete disappointment."

"So blunt," everyone muttered under their breath. Neji showed no change in facial, which annoyed Gai more than his glaring face could say.

"Perhaps you do not care that my pride as a man is being threatened."

Silence.

"…You do not care if the Hyuuga blood line is monopolized by Naruto-kun?"

Blink. Silence. Gai was losing it.

"DAMMIT, NEJI, MEN SHOULD HAVE MORE PASSION FOR-" He paused, the sound of his brain short circuiting in his head making everyone cringe. "Well, I suppose if…that's how it is…"

Neji looked at him and raised an eyebrow. Gai pouted exaggeratedly over at him and folded his arms.

"Perhaps you are..._passionate for the men_," Gai muttered, blushing as twinkling, perfumed clouds of roses appeared around his face. Everyone fell over, except Neji. His face seemed to sag over his skull a bit more, though.

"If that's your answer to all things childless, then are you also 'passionate for the men'?" Neji shot back, his bullet of truth knocking Gai off his leg-warmered feet. He rounded his shoulders, sighed tiredly and continued walking. "We're almost home. Try to behave yourself until we get back."

Gai raised a shaky arm to reach out for his former student, blubbering about how he had many suitors, more than Kakashi in fact…

Shikamaru fell into step with his comrade and nudged him with an elbow. "So…it didn't go so well in the state room?"

"I suppose it didn't go one way or another," Neji muttered. "They said they would give me some time to discuss it with my uncle…"

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow. "It's not really any of my business, but what did you think of her?"

"I don't know," came the Hyuuga's neutral reply. "We didn't talk much. You would know more about her than me." Shikamaru laughed and nodded.

"Yeah, yeah I guess you're right. Temari is pretty cool though. If you guys do consider, and want me to arrange it, I'll play ambassador again."

Neji nodded, still confused a bit by what the point of the last few days in the Sand had been. The details of his "mission" hadn't been disclosed to him until they were on the way. Tsunade had pretty much just informed him on the spot that he was to be accompanied by Shikamaru in Hiashi's absence to do some business. Which wasn't anything strange, unless he counted the fact that, after that everyone refused to really give him anything else that wasn't vague and painted with bullshit. But now it was all clear: Hiashi had been stewing over a possible alliance with the Kazekage's sister since last year, and he'd finally shoved Neji into the void without a parachute. What a nice guy.

Not that anything had been set in stone. Gaara didn't talk much and…well, neither did Neji. The conversations were short and to the point, but nothing had been decided on. And he'd met Temari but once, and right as they were about to leave. Granted she'd just returned from her own mission, but it seemed kind of inappropriate that everyone be discussing her future in her absence. Maybe she already knew what was going on. Maybe she already knew everything about Neji while he had no fucking clue what to think of life right now. He wouldn't really be surprised. Everyone was pissing him off.

The gates of the village loomed in front of him, a small wave of relief washing over him. He could pretend this entire trip hadn't happened for a while and deal with Hiashi on another day. But he'd be direct. He'd demand to know all the details. They were, after all, dealing with the rest of his life. He at least deserved to know who his bridal candidates were.

On the flip side, the next person who mentioned anything about dating was going to die. Gai had officially drained that tank of patience.

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><p>They haven't even gotten together yet and Sakura's already got competition :U) Wooo~<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** _Thanks guys for the nice reviews ;-; Hopefully you enjoy this chapter as well._

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><p>"On behalf of Yakumi and myself," Chouji chortled, gesturing warmly to the room with his bubbly wife at his side, "we are grateful for your company tonight, and hope you enjoy yourselves this evening. Also," he added gleefully, "make sure you savor the delicious food. It was all made by my beautiful wife."<p>

"Don't mind if I do," Kiba said excitedly with drool trailing down his chin, he and the majority of the male party rushing the long tables of food. It wasn't long before he and Naruto were competing inappropriately and Ten Ten and Hinata had to go separate them.

"A celebration of youth and the spirit of friendship are overwhelming me," Lee blubbered. "Happy birthday to Hanakka-chan! Uh…" he looked around the room, then turned to Chouji and asked, "Where is your daughter, Chouji-san? This is her party, is it not?"

Chouji smiled and Yakumi gestured to the terrace outside. She shook her head and said softly, "Hanakka was not in the best mood this morning for a party. Some children in her class were making fun of her the other day and, well…"

"I offered to complain to the instructors, but she has a very robust stubbornness that she has inherited from me," Chouji said with confidence, folding his arms. "She has too much pride."

"I've heard excellent things regarding her ability," Lee confirmed, grinning. Then he frowned a little. "Surely it's child like jealousy that is making her so sad…"

"Bah," Yakumi said, narrowing her eyes and putting her hands on her hips. "They don't understand anything. She's bigger than most of the boys in her class so they call her-"

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><p>"Balloon Butt," Hanakka muttered, pouting. "They call me Balloon Butt…"<p>

"Oh, you poor _thing_," Ino sobbed, stroking the little girl's orange pigtails and doing more crying than the supposed victim. Sakura sat on the other side of the bench and sighed.

"Kids can be so mean, can't they, Sakura-chan~…"

"Mm," Sakura said darkly, eyebrow twitching as she gave Ino the stink eye. "Yes. They can be-"

"Saku-oba would know better than anyone," Ino continued. "Boys used to tell her all the time that her forehead was too big…"

"Who cares about forehead's. You can't even tell," Hanakka muttered, trying to separate herself from the leaky blonde. Inner Sakura fist pumped and noted it down to get ice cream with Hanakka later. Kids may still be mean, but Chouji was obviously doing something right. It became clearer every time she hung out with this family why a hottie like Yakumi-san had fallen for him.

"Sak," Yushin gurgled, waddling up to Sakura with a small white flower in his hand. He couldn't quite finish 'Sakura' or 'Saku', so her name came out like 'sock'. Suisei was more prone to body language. He came up next to his brother and sprawled his face in her lap. Ino grinned.

"Ew," Hanakka muttered, scrunching up her freckled nose, "One of them smells."

Sakura started to pick Suisei up, but Ino wriggled up from her seat and swept him into her arms.

"I've got this," she said with snide confidence, turning her back to Sakura and heading into the house. "I'll be making my own soon, so I better get some of the experience while I can."

Sakura sweat dropped and brought Yushin up to sit in her lap. Imagining Ino and Shino's love making had been hard enough before she'd started giving long, graphic descriptions, but the idea of her being a mother was unfathomable. She felt bad for the eggs in her ovaries. Especially the ones destined to be boys.

"She probably never got teased," Hanakka said quietly while she patted Yushin's raven hair, interrupting the older woman's thoughts. She kicked her four year old feet over the edge of the bench and pouted like she was annoyed. "She's got big boobs and pretty hair." Her eyes looked infinitely sadder. "And she's skinny."

Sakura resisted the urge to study her chest and pinch at her own sensible hair cut. She'd already surmised her own retail value compared to Ino's plenty of times. She'd never admit it out loud, but yeah. There was some jealousy there.

"Eh. Ignore her. She wouldn't know what it's like," she finally said, waving a hand under her nose. "I'll tell you one thing, though. She gets talked about more in adulthood than any other girl in this village. Gossips have few friends."

Hanakka narrowed her sharp little eyes. "So what's that make you?"

_Clever girl._

"A fool," Sakura confirmed, leaning back against the bench and watching the birds fly over the sky with her half-pint friend, Yushin having fun trying to stuff a finger up her nose. "A complete fool."

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><p>"Why are women so weird," Shikamaru muttered to his companion, both of them huddled over the punch and being careful not to make eye contact with the women across the room from them. "I feel like we're at a dance or something…"<p>

"I believe they're just looking at you," Neji said flatly, throwing his friend under the bus of reality. "Ten Ten has no reason to stalk me. Not anymore, anyway…"

"Haven't you learned anything by now," Shikamaru whispered. "You're a man, you're single, she's gotta be responsible for finding you somebody. That's how it works. Surely this isn't news to you, Neji."

"Nope," the Hyuuga said, narrowing his eyes at Ten Ten, who momentarily glared fiercely at him before going back to nudging Shiho in Shikamaru's direction. "I've already been euthanized."

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow. "She already has someone she wants you to look at?"

"She disguised it as 'friendly dating' in preparation for the happiest day of Ino's life," he said smoothly, blinking his tired white eyes, "but she knows better. I know she knows better. We all know I know better, and yet I always find myself in these situations…"

The gaze Shikamaru gave him was both sympathetic and concerned. "Oi, is she really that pushy about it? Now I'm worried…"

"It's just awkward when we work together a lot," Neji sighed. "I don't have anything against Sakura, but that's just it-"

Shikamaru slowly spit his punch back in his cup and stared at Neji. "Sakura?"

"Mm. Ten Ten isn't very subtle. She really wants me to…" Neji shut himself up and looked away when his teammate gave him another look. "…She's setting herself up for disappointment."

"Bah. Women just wanna control everything," Shikamaru said, shaking his head. "They want to be responsible for someone's happiness when most of the time they just cause all this misery…"

"What do we cause?" Ten Ten said with syrupy fake cheerfulness, Shiho coming up behind her with a shy smile. "You seem to be talking to yourself…"

Shikamaru heaved a sigh when he noticed Neji'd already bailed. Figured.

* * *

><p>Neji wasn't particularly sorry he'd left Shikamaru to fend for himself. To be honest, he didn't have much sympathy for anybody but Hyuuga Neji right now. A birthday party wasn't exactly the way he'd wanted to spend his first day back from a mission. Actually, it might've been if Ten Ten hadn't gone and done something completely characteristic of her. He wasn't trying to be over dramatic or anything, but who had the time lately for women. No, <em>seriously<em>. How the hell had everyone either gotten married or reached the point where they were talking about it? He was what, barely twenty-five?

The miracles just started happening one after another six years ago the minute everyone heard the story about how Chouji'd hit the jackpot and saved some heiress on a mission near the edge of the country. Her dad was so impressed, he let him take her home with him after only a few months of courtship. Jaws dropped when they finally got to meet the mysterious quadruple 'B' they'd come to know as Yakumi: **B**lack haired, **b**lue eyed,** b**ig **b**oobed. And yet all he could talk about was how _nice_ she was, how _kind_ she was to old people, how _alive_ he felt around her. And in a sick twist of fate, the most picked on member of the Chu-crew was the first one to lose his virginity and explain where the clitoris was. Talk about a lesson in humility.

And then Naruto had married Lady Hinata soon after claiming the title of sixth Hokage, Ten Ten had started going googly eyed for Kiba, and Shino started getting noticed by a certain blonde desperate for someone to talk to about her dramatic life.

And then there was Neji; unmoved by time, strict in his convictions, reliable in his asexual behavior. Shikamaru could hardly be counted as a bachelor with Shiho breathing down his neck. And Lee…well, it was comforting to know Gai had at least one male he could be proud of. Eventually. Yes, Neji was much too busy for-

"Somebody out there? _Hello_? Help meee~" came the familiar whining of an Ino in distress. Neji narrowed his eyes and walked back to the door he'd just passed on his way to find the rest room. Now that he was here, this was probably it and Ino was just inside.

Another whiny, 'help me~' floated out and he was almost tempted to humor her.

"Sakura? Is that you? Can you help me…"

"It's Neji," he said, not bothering to hide his irritation at the mention of her needing help. Undoubtedly he'd get roped into doing something unpleasant.

"Neji! Oh, geez, I'm just glad someone came," her voice echoed. Neji caught the sound of a child's laughter in the bathroom with her and he blinked in confusion.

"Ino…do you have…a baby in there with you?"

"Yes! I brought Suisei in to change him and it's no good," she said, audibly more distressed now. "I don't know how to do it. I forgot to bring in a clean diaper with me and now his diaper's off and I can't take him out to get Sakura to get me a diaper and-"

"I get it," Neji grunted, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. "I'll go get-"

"Neji-san?" Sakura said questioningly, Yushin bobbing in her arms. Neji blinked, slightly relieved.

"Sakura? Is that you out there? Oh thank God," Ino heaved from inside. "I need you to help me. I forgot to get a clean diaper-"

"And now you're stuck because you already took his diaper off," Sakura sighed knowingly. "I figured something was wrong when you didn't come back…"

"What an idiot," Hanakka muttered, Neji now just catching sight of her hiding behind the older girl's legs. She narrowed her blue eyes at Neji and gripped the edge of Sakura's skirt.

"Ino, let me in. I'll take over-"

"Um, I don't think that's a good idea," Ino said, wincing from behind the door. "You'll get mad and nobody needs that…"

Sakura made a suspicious face and muttered scarily through the door, "What would I have to be mad at that I can't see…"

Hanakka deadpanned, "I bet she killed the baby."

Sakura bonked her on the head and told her not to joke about that, but she couldn't help thinking how unsurprising it would be if that were true. Another joyful shriek from the baby inside confirmed otherwise, and Yushin gurgled back in reply.

Neji tried to back out of the conversation and walk away quietly, but just as he was turning around, he felt a strong hand on his shoulder and demonic eyes encouraging him to listen to whatever their owner said next.

"Do it, Neji."

He cringed and gave her a pleading look. "This is none of my business…"

"_Now._"

"Sakura, really, just go get me a diaper…" Ino started weakly form inside, "...and maybe some cleaning supplies…there's no need-"

"SHUT UP, YOU TWAT. You overdramatized this and brought it upon yourself. Now, Neji," she said sweetly, "kindly make yourself useful and give me a damage report."

Her fingers dug into his neck and pushed his face over enough that it was acquainted with the door wood.

Reluctantly, he muttered, "Byakugan," and immediately regretted every decision he'd made leading up to getting out of bed that morning.

"What do you see," she seethed, daring him to say something other than the truth. He made a face and turned up to look at her.

"There's shit everywhere." As if she had expected anything less.

Sakura was about to explode into a rage with this information, when Yakumi appeared down the hall and waved at her. She dropped Neji and he faceplanted onto the floor, righting himself and glaring at his pink haired partner in crime just as their hostess walked over.

"Distract her," Sakura pleaded, Hanakka nodding with sly understanding.

"Alright. But you and Ino-ba owe me."

"Do you feel better now, Hanakka," Yakumi asked with gentle concern, taking her daughters hand and blinking in confusion at the little girls glittering eyes.

"Kaa-chan…I love you and tou-chan so much…can we…will you…" her eyes widened to saucer proportions, "…can I cut my cake now?"

Yakumi looked close to tears herself, horrified she had denied her plump little progeny the joys of cake on her birthday until now. "Of course you can, dear. Come with me and we'll do it together." She smiled. "Neji, Sakura. Please join us as soon as you can."

Sakura and Neji watched them walk away, Hanakka turning to wink. When they were out of ear shot, Neji leaned down to Sakura's ear and muttered, "I have wood imprint. In my face."

"Shut up and help me," she snapped, thrusting Yushin in his arms and nudging just enough to force the door open without cracking the siding. She cringed when Neji's report turned out true. Ino held a poop covered, laughing Suisei by his arm pits at arms length away from her, crying pathetically on the toilet lid with poop smeared on the walls, counter and sink. Sakura wanted to faint with anxiety, but Neji was right behind her with Yushin and making an equally disgusted face.

"Classy," he said with blunt sarcasm. Ino glared at him.

"It's not like I did it on purpose. He just started doing what he wanted…"

"Funny how that happens with the men in your life," Sakura muttered pointedly, ignoring Ino's death glare and turning to consult with the third party. "Neji, what the hell do I do…"

"Why am I even involved in this," he said curtly. "I just wanted to find the bathroom."

"Too late now. You're supposed to be a genius, right," she accused, Yushin reciting mixed numbers between Sakura and his uncle. "Think of something."

His tactical brain complied and he came to a quick first decision. "Let's get rid of the dead weight and clean everything before Yakumi comes back."

Shiho was the unlucky female sympathetic who ended up walking by and getting roped into carrying Yushin, and Neji's shirt and jacket to wrap Ino in once she was done cleaning herself and Suisei off in the garden. Once they were gone, Sakura set to work finding cleaning supplies under the sink and dividing them between herself and Neji so they could work quickly.

"What excuse are you going to give for why Ino's wearing your clothes," Sakura asked with bitter joking, too angry to be amused by this yet, and too amused to completely lose it. He sighed and scrubbed harder.

"I suppose I can't count on Ino to tell the truth?"

Sakura gave him a look. "Uh…no."

He rolled his eyes. "I guess she should say she just loves my fashion sense and had to have my outfit for herself, and I'm vain enough to think it's okay to walk around like this."

'Like this', meaning shirtless. And, though she'd already told herself it was strange to think that way, Sakura couldn't help noticing he could afford some vanity once in a while. No weird birth marks or undeveloped twins hanging off of him. Just generic, ninja man muscles.

"She probably tried to give him a bath and then realized that was a bad idea," she murmured mostly to herself, kneeling on all fours to scrub some spots in the tub. "Neji, be careful when you-"

Too late. he stepped off of the toilet seat to reach a high spot and fell with less than Hyuuga grace on top of her. She howled with pain and swore she would kill Ino, him pretty much falling off of her and rolling onto his back.

"DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO BE CAREFUL?" she said through gritted teeth, already at her patience limit and pulling him up by the two side strands of hair flayed over his chest.

"I feel just as close to killing someone as you," he said with a level head, narrowing his eyes and staring into her face. She remembered this and let go, his head falling back to the floor with a thud.

"Sorry. It's just really stressful, Neji," she whimpered. He closed his eyes and prepared for one of those female breakdown things Ten Ten was always having when something went wrong in her life.

"I just. Wish. Everything," she enunciated with a pounding of her fist to his gut with each word, "Weren't. So. Goddamn. Hard."

He coughed, the air knocked out of him now, thanks to her. He was too detached from everything to care when she laid her pink head over his stomach.

"Neji, is it easier being a man," she said weakly. He snorted.

"I wouldn't know anything else."

"I should be a lesbian."

He looked at her over his pecs and stared. "I fail to see how you could come to that conclusion just from a chance encounter with some baby shit."

"Maybe a lesbian would've picked a less stressful person to be friends with than Ino."

"Right. Instead you might've married her."

"…You're right. I'm fine," she decided flatly, picking her head up and patting his face. "Thanks for sorting that out for me."

He rolled his eyes. "No problem."

The door opened and Naruto and Hinata peeked their heads in.

"S-Sakura-chan...Neji nii-san," she said weakly, "Ino-chan told us what happened…and, we just want you to know…we don't hold any hard feelings…it was a genuine accident, I'm sure…"

Sakura blinked. "Huh?"

"I guess it's not surprising Neji's into that stuff, but Sakura-chan," Naruto murmured, paling, "I didn't know you were that type…"

Neji narrowed his eyes. "…What did she tell you…"

"We won't interrupt anymore," Hinata said, smiling. "To each his own." She took one more hesitant look at the half cleaned bathroom and sweat dropped. "It might be better if its kept within your own home, though, in case things get out of hand…"

The door shut, and the two looked at each other with looks of imminent doom in their faces.

"What the hell did she tell them…"

So the party ended predictably: Sakura still considered herself a fool, and Neji still only felt sorry for himself. And now everyone was convinced they shared a mutual poop fetish.

Ino slept soundly that night.


End file.
